Sex as a Battleground: Supporting Couples Through Desire Difference

Join Grove Psychosexual Therapy tutors Polly McAfee and Duane Yon for an introduction to working with the most common sexual problem, desire discrepancy. A thought-provoking presentation of 5 useful concepts for helping clients where one person in the relationship wants sex and the other doesn’t, or one wants markedly more sex than the other.

Event overview:

Join Grove Psychosexual Therapy tutors Polly McAfee and Duane Yon for an introduction to working with the most common sexual problem, desire discrepancy.

A thought-provoking presentation of 5 useful concepts for helping clients where one person in the relationship wants sex and the other doesn’t, or one wants markedly more sex than the other.

Polly & Duane will also talk about their 8-week group intervention for couples wishing to regain or enhance their sexual connection. This evidence-based intervention was designed by renowned sex therapist Peggy Kleinplatz, and Polly & Duane are currently the only UK therapists to offer it.

Perceptual frames

1. This is a relationship issue, rather than one person being ‘avoidant’ and the other ‘compulsive’

2. Exploring the challenges and delights of creating an intentional space for intimacy to unfold, protected from the multiple pressures of busy lives

3. Pressure is anti erotic. So is withdrawal. Consent, which can go from ‘willing’ to ‘enthusiastic’, is essential. You don’t have to feel ‘horny’ to start touching and being intimate – as long as you know you can stop a sexual encounter at any point without consequences

4. Power matters. Destructive relationship dynamics probably need to be addressed first

5. Has the sex itself become boring and repetitive, or is it painful or not pleasurable? Ideas to promote play and freedom

You can read more information about each of the 5 perceptual frames below in the section ‘The 5 concepts in detail’.

About the webinar

The webinar will be hosted live on Zoom with an opportunity for participants to ask questions. The event is free to attend, with an option to purchase a CPD certificate and/or a recording.

: It is best approached as a dance between the couple, rather than seeing one person as the problem. This is supported by the move in psychosexual therapy from thinking about ‘hypo’ and ‘hyper’ sexuality into looking at desire discrepancy – the gap between what each partner wants, rather than what either of them want being the problem. The exception to this is where sexual behaviours are endangering or causing harm to either person.
: Creating an intentional space for erotic connection to unfold. There is often resistance expressed as a belief sex should be spontaneous. Reminding couples that in the dating stage, a lot of preparation, grooming etc goes into each sexual encounter. Can the couple protect a regular time and space for erotic connection, away from the multiple pressures of busy lives and the ever-present lure of the smartphone?
: This is a challenge for the higher desire partner and needs to be addressed. Consent, which can go from ‘willing’ to ‘enthusiastic’ is essential. You don’t have to feel ‘horny’ to start touching and being intimate – often for people in long term relationships, especially women, desire follows touch and intimacy rather than preceding it. This is called Responsive Desire. However, to experiment with responsive desire the lower desire partner needs to feel confident that they can stop a sexual encounter if they move from ‘willing’ to ‘reluctant’, without emotional (or physical) consequence. Experimenting with responsive desire works best when both partners enjoy being sexual together when they do it – it’s the ‘way in’ that is the problem. Engaging occasionally in ‘duty sex’ (where a partner pleasures a partner or allows sex even though they don’t want it and aren’t really into it) can be OK, but if more than say 20% of encounters are duty sex, this will create a ‘sex death spiral’ where the less enthusiastic partner begins to actively dread sex.
: Sometimes, the power dynamic of the relationship is causing problems. Can the couple have a constructive disagreement (ie handle conflict safely)? Is there a debilitating one up/one down or shaming/blaming dynamic? Is there a lot of resentment or overwhelm around parenting or domestic responsibilities? If so these issues may well need addressing first.
: Sometimes, it is the nature of the sex the couple has had that is blocking desire. It may have become boring or repetitive (if you always ate the same meal at the same restaurant on the same day it might start losing its appeal), it may be painful or not pleasurable. Medical check ups, psychoeducation around female sexual anatomy, and exercises to broaden out what counts as ‘sex’ and helps the couple explore pleasurable, playful touch are indicated here.